I know the hidden agenda of Kim Kardashian,
Nikki Minaj and Jennifer Lopez. Yes, I know.
These ladies are jealous of Mercy Johnson,
Yvonne Okoro and one of my female relatives
in the village.
Na today real Black women don dey get Big
Yansh? Why the sudden obsession with Kim
Kardashian’s butt by the Western World? Ehn?
And the funny thing is, oyinbo women are now
getting butt transplants while those who can’t
afford it are using butt pads, or Yansh Pads as
we term it here sometimes.
Now, this is the humour when it comes to
Nigerian and perhaps African women. When
God made the African woman, he might have
taken an extra rib from Adam to bless the
African women in most parts of the continent.
That is why South African women have….
(*speechless) Narrowing it down to Nigeria and
the ethnic groups, it is debatable but research
has shown that Yoruba ladies just might have
the biggest butts in Nigeria.
‘I am likely to concur with this because ever
since I was born and all the years I was
growing up, the only images of Yoruba women
I could remember from the black and white
music clips of those days and Owambe Parties,
were images of some bad a*s conservative
butt shaking which never got one’s parents
incensed enough to switch off the television
lest we got ‘spoilt’ but would sooner ask us to
close our eyes when images of oyinbos kissing
came on the screen.
‘In fact, when I first watched a clip of Fela
Kuti’s stage performance in 1977 or 1978 on
NTV ( as it was called then), it wasn’t the
‘shakara, shakara’ chorus he was singing which
caught my fancy. It was the unbridled butt
shaking of his dancing girls which tormented
my poor, young innocent soul for years.
‘Then, Charly Boy came in 1987, with his
outrageous music video, ‘Big Bottom’ and not
even the morally-correct NTA could ban it off
the airwaves then even with the tempting
close-ups of women with Big Yanshes in that
‘Then one lady singer called Uche Ibeto
released a video titled ‘Jigida’ where she did
some provocative butt shaking as she
screamed in a simulated moan ‘ligiligi, ligiligi,
sha, sha, sha! ‘. And no one banned that video
then because it ‘projected an African dance’.
”Back to the meat of my story, today’s fashion
is a conspiracy to ensure that Butt-om Power
will keep on ruling. Everything with women’s
fashion seems to bring out the shape of their
butts these days.
And the Kim Ks and Nikki Minajs are there to
help you out, if you have any doubts.
‘Sadly, in Nigeria, I am told that Butt Pads for
ladies are in high demand in the market. Why?
Because many young ladies want to have butts
like Kim Kardashian. I need to ask why an
African lady would want to put on artificial
pads on what has naturally been padded from
heaven. Because of Kim? Fela Kuti did sing
that the African People’s problems start from
‘Na from BACK yioooooo’. Don’t get me wrong.
‘I appreciate butt. Good butt. And for those
who got it among the ladies, thank God for
‘butt’ering your bread. But when butts are
being used now as weapons of distraction,
Houston, we have a problem!
‘Why did I write this satire today? Two days
ago, at Garki 2, a young lady with well-formed
hips came out of a building and stood by the
road to flag down a taxi.
‘ I tell you, Kim K has nothing on this woman’s
butt and I wasn’t looking at her o. I was
humming Tisha Cobbs ‘Break Every Chain’
when I saw her.
‘The next thing I knew, an SUV rammed me
from behind. Gbosa! A well-dressed young
man came out and apologised profusely as I
looked at my dented rear bumper. Whilst
apologising, he kept glancing at the young lady
a few metres away.
‘Mr Man!’ I said, ‘before Yansh will kill you, go
and meet that girl and take her contacts so
that you will know that the bills you will pay
for fixing my dent will be worth it!’
‘ The Guy nor slack. He went to the Lady and a
couple of minutes later, they both walked back
to his SUV. I don’t care to know what went
down with him and the endowed lass but all I
know is that I have a new rear bumper at his
expense which was fixed yesterday.
‘Obviously that kind of person would not care
to pay for bumpers. What with the way he
rammed my car from behind, it doesn’t take
much imagination to visualise the other types
of ramming he loves doing behind closed
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